Dec 31st 2022-Jan 1st 2023

Essay

         It is December 31st, 2022. Tomorrow it will be the 1st of January in 2023. I’m currently at home in Berkeley, with the family, sitting on the orange couch. I’m wearing muji slipper, Nike crew socks, my brown Carhartt double knees, and a white tee. Its pouring outside. I was writing my New Year’s notes and took a break to eat a yellow pepper. I began reading my essay from my last day in Copenhagen. It felt fitting to “pick up the pen” and and write once more. I attempted to write an essay while sitting in the Portland train station a month or two ago but quickly stopped as I wasn’t truly at a bookend of a period, I thought I was. I thought I was at a point of change in my mentality, but I wasn’t really. I was trying to force the beginning of a new chapter; it never works to force a new chapter onto yourself. But now, I am at the start of a new chapter, or the end of one. It’s hard to pinpoint specifics. Let’s say I’m in limbo. The greyish part between the two chapters. It’s the reflective, easy going, yadayada part. One day it is happening, the next it’s not, who can be sure.  

         I finished the term. Completed my garment project and am proud of the result. I learned to work in the metal’s studio. And received a good grade in French. The term was very successful for OEG. We completed a mostly successful recruitment cycle. I tore a ligament in my ankle. Got sick twice, no covid thankfully. Attended three or four IDSA meetings. Made a portfolio I am proud of, for the time being. Didn’t update my website too much. Attended a few football games. Watched as many Warriors games as I could. Had lunch with Niek. Met Mark.

         This term was hard. Physically and mentally, I was pushed to my limits. I suffered from the worst anxiety I have to date. Felt extremely emotionally disconnected to the people closest to me at school. I couldn’t be a line of support for my friends when they needed it. And I couldn’t produce as much work as I would have liked. You are rewarded for having goals, a vision of what you want, for good reason. When you have a vision and can articulate it, others can find ways to help you get there. Recently I have struggled to articulate, or even know what it is I want. But I am also in a period of decisions, decisions of where I want to try to work/intern. I have been a tad paralyzed since returning home in working towards any job opportunities as I have been struggling to apply myself to applications if I am unsure, they align with guiding me towards my goals.

         This is a struggle I have dealt with before. And there is a simple answer. Apply yourself to it all to maintain optionality moving forward.

Applying yourself to tasks I am not in full belief of is not a strength of mine. But it must become a skill of mine. I went through many hardships this past term. But I succeeded in a few key ways. I can see that, and I must internalize that. Truly believe there was success.

I think great things will come in the coming year. Here a few goals.

-       An internship that involves discussions that I believe to be important

-       –––––––––––––––––––––––

-       Further my education outside of the classroom

-       Socialize more

It is now January 1st. I’m sitting in the Blue Bottle on Piedmont Avenue. Tom Sachs GPS. White Crew socks. Brown Carhartt’s. Blue Sweater. Paris Red Peppers hat. I wrote this in my notes when I first arrived here, and it will conclude this essay:

It was mentioned to me yesterday that its those that deal and can live with the uncertainty who will be successful. That really opened my eyes. I’ve started using the uncertainty of this time in life as an excuse and cause for pity. That is not what this should be. This is time for me to recognize this time for what it is and grow into it. Grow into the one who can live in it calmly. That’s what I can be. That’s what anyone can do. Why not do it?

- Léo 2023

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